I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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