I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
You pole danced in your parka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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