Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
