You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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