dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
