He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
