I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
