Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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