you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
