Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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