Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
He did a backflip because drugs
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
