Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Randomize
