It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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