Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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