WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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