I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
