I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize