I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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