This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize