If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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