You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
