I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
