boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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