nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
