I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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