why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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