I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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