Im at strip club and am horny
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.