yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
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drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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