I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
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its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
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hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
You've changed since you got that strap on
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.