My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Randomize
