hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
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