why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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