3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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