They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
