Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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