Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
