I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
