you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
