I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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