I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
