Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
