Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
