I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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