I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
