you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
