Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
