a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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