one word: firstdatebathroomanal
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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