WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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