So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
