oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
