your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
4 words: hood of his car
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
