There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
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We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
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bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
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