you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
