So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
