Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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