The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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