Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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