we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
